World Domination: In Snape Terms
by o scorched eggy
Summary: Severus has a secret plot to take over the world... how long will it take the marauders to figure it out, and how far will they go to do it? WILL THE WORLD EVER BE SAFE FOR CHEFS EVERYWHERE EVER AGAIN? Wow, that was dramatic...
1. Whats Up With Snape?

Ok, before everything, I'd like to make somthing clear...

These things- -will mark ACTIONS. Everything is good again...

****

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of it…except for maybe all the manipulated ideas and such…I think… _ponders_…

**Ash (author):** _Swigs some Gatorade_ Hello my fellow comrades, and welcome to ---

**Sirius**: THEY LOVE ME, THE REALLY LOVE ME!

**Ash, Remus, James, and Peter**: _Stare_

**Sirius**: Uh…sorry, just practicing…

**James**: ANYWAYS…

**Ash**: Oh, yes, well, it was a bright and sunny afternoon…

**Peter**: No it wasn't. It was 3:00 in the morning and raining.

**Ash**: Well, I was close…_shifty eyes_

**Remus**: Depending on what your definition of "close" is…

**Ash**: Let's just get on with the story already!

**_Scene fades in on Snape down in the Slytherin dungeons working on a potion and laughing maniacally. He sticks a potato into the concoction and pulls it back out to discover that it has now transformed into…_**

**Snape**: FRENCH FRIES! Now dinner is complete for all of your guests, and many compliments to the chef, mwah! _blows kisses_

**Slytherin House**: _cheers_

**Snape**: Next time on _Snape's Cooking Experience_, I will be teaching you how to make the perfect sautéed shrimp basket, and for dessert, cream puffs! Tata!

**_Curtains close and a handwritten sign that says "Conclusion of Production" hangs down over the curtains, and Snape runs down to his personal dungeon_**

**Snape**: And now for my REAL project of mortal destruction…

_****_

_**Fade out**_

**_Fade back into the Gryffindor common room at 3:00 in the morning_**

****

**Remus**: There's got to be SOMETHING left to pull on Snapey Boy…

**James**: Come on Remus, can't we discuss this AFTER we sleep…_looks at pocket watch_ …IT'S 3:00 CRUD MONKIES A.M. REMUS!!!

**Sirius**: Since when do you care what time it is James?

**Peter**: Since he started getting made fun of by Lily for the "little baggies under his eyes".

**Everyone but James**: Ooh…

**James**: OK, fine, but we'll see who's laughing when the world is bowing down to my army of peach trees destroying the planet…

**Everyone but James**: _blink_

**Sirius**: You know James, it's not healthy to bottle up your sanity.

**Remus**: Back to the plan, PLEASE!

**Peter**: I don't care what we do as long as it's not stalking again _shudders_

**(A/N: Your story rocks Joanna!)**

**Remus**: Well, then how else are we supposed to get blackmail?

**Sirius**: _Raises his hand and jumps up and down, all while spinning in circles_

**Remus**: Yes, Sirius…_rolls eyes_

**Sirius**: _Clears throat_ Ahem. I happen to know that Snape hosts his own cooking show down in the Slytherin dungeons …every morning…at approximately 2:00 A.M…._hides notes that he took from the show on how to make pumpkin pie underneath a nearby table._ Not that I've ever BEEN there, or anything…

**James**: _Stares in awe_ You mean, you knew this vital piece of information and you never told ME? _Starts beating up Sirius_

**Sirius**: I WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT MANKIND!

**Peter**: Wait…I have a PLAN…

**__**

**_Fade out_**

**_Fade back into the Great Hall at lunchtime._**

****

**Snape**: _Walks into the lunchroom wearing a pitch black trench coat and sunglasses, and stops right in the middle of the hall_

**Some Blonde**: _Wearing the same outfit as Snape, walks up and stands the opposite direction of him so she's facing a wall_

**Snape**: Do you have the goods?

**Blonde**: _Hands him a piece of parchment with a list scribbled on it _ Payment, please.

**Snape**: _Hands her two galleons and does a dodge roll around the corner, only to find…_

**Peter**: AH, HE TOUCHED ME! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!

**Sirius**: Ah, Snape grease. I'd lend you my _I'm-Not-Gay-I-Just-Have-A-Very-Productive-Feminine-Side_ shampoo, but I'm almost out because I can't find anymore of the secret ingredient.

**Remus**: Do I even want to ask?

**Sirius**: _Thinks hard_ Um…I suggest you don't.

**Snape**: Takes this opportunity to sneak down a corridor while pretending to hold a gun

**James**: _Blink_ Ok, am I the only one who just saw that?

**Everyone but James**: _Still conversing about Sirius's hair products_

**James**: Apparently so…

**__**

**_Fade out_**

**_Fade into Transfiguration class with the Gryffindors and Slytherins_**

****

**McGonagall**: Hmm…it seems we are missing somebody still…

**Snape**: _Suddenly bursts through the door and runs to sit down_

**McGonagall**: I'd like an explanation PLEASE, Severus.

**Snape**: I had…um…_business _to attend to.

**Sirius**: PUH! Business my perfectly manicured nails! He's up to something Professor!

**McGonagall**: Yes, it IS a bit strange. Tell us about this BUSINESS of yours…

**Snape**: _Thinks quickly and finally gets and idea_ Well, you know that one corridor connecting the Great Hall to the Potions dungeons?

**Everyone**: Yeah…_inching closer to hear Snape's story_

**Snape**: And you know how the right wall is a different color that the left wall?

**Everyone:** Yeah…_continue inching_

_Snape_: And you know that gold pot that sits on the table against the right wall?

**Everyone**: _Now less than a foot away from Snape_ YEAH…

**Snape**: _Dramatic pause_ …well it has nothing to do with that.

**Everyone**: AWWW… _backs away quickly looking annoyed_

**McGonagall**: _Looking perturbed_ Ok, we've wasted enough class time on this, on with the lesson…

**James**: _To other Marauders_ SEE! I TOLD you Snape was up to something!

**Remus**: Sorry we didn't believe you the first time. It's just kind of hard to trust you ever since you tried to convince us that Professor Flitwick was actually a lawn gnome brought to life by a pack of demented squirrels bent on destroying the world.

**James**: I'M TELLING YOU, THOSE SQUIRRELLS ARE A DANGER TO SOCIETY!

**Sirius**: So are you, and we're not complaining.

**Peter**: I wouldn't say _that_...

**James**: Gets even more miffed and goes back to his studies

**__**

**_Fade out_**

So, what do you think? Long time reader, first time writer, so yeah, PLEASE REVIEW! Flames will be used to burn Mary Sues…AH, I SWEAR, IT'S A CONSPIRACY OR SOMETHING!


	2. The Final Piece

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill...I don't own anything _sad face_

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**Ash**: Well, my first hit was a success!

**Remus**: Just because you got six reviews it doesn't mean you're a "success" Ash...

**Ash**: _Miffed look_ Well, it's better than nothing...anyways, onto inspirational credit for this story!

**James**: _Takes out list of random things_ Let's see, there's sporks, oranges, caramel, Cheez-its...

**Ash**: YOU IDIOT, that's my grocery list!

**James**: Oh, ok _rips up pointless list_

**Ash**: Anyways, inspiration today goes to, JOANNA, the writers of the Marauders Insane Archives, JOANNA, some of Joanna's layout ideas from her story (but it's all good because she got some of her ideas from me), JOANNA, and last but not least, MY REVIEWERS! Oh, and Joanna is JoJoBlond.

**Peter**: I think you're losing your comedic mind here Ash.

**Sirius**: PETER! What did I tell you about insulting the authors?

**Peter**: That when we do, their anger comes out through manipulating us...O CRUD!

**Ash**: _Smug look_ Let the games begin...

**LAST TIME...**

**James**: _To other Marauders_ SEE! I TOLD you Snape was up to something!

**Remus**: Sorry we didn't believe you the first time. It's just kind of hard to trust you ever since you tried to convince us that Professor Flitwick was actually a lawn gnome brought to life by a pack of demented squirrels bent on destroying the world.

**James**: I'M TELLING YOU, THOSE SQUIRRELLS ARE A DANGER TO SOCIETY!

**Sirius**: So are you, and we're not complaining.

**Peter**: I wouldn't say _that_...

**James**: _Gets even more miffed and goes back to his studies_  
  
**_Fade out_**

**THIS TIME**:

**_Scene sets in on a dark little tavern restaurant called "The Chestnut" in Hogsmeade with Snape sitting alone in the corner table. However, the Marauders are also there, Peter and James are disguised as a couple sitting two seats away from Snape, while the other two are trying their hand at being bartenders for cover up_**

**Peter**: Tell me again, why am I the one who had to be disguised as the girl?

**James**: Well, for one you made fun of the author, two, it's your plan, and three, because you act the most like a girl.

**Peter**: _Raises an eyebrow_

**James**: ...With the exception of Sirius...

**Peter**: THANK you..._goes back to eating his roll_

**_Meanwhile..._**

**Sirius**: _While juggling beer bottles_ Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this!

**Remus**: _CRASH_...speak for yourself...

**Sirius**: Well, what can I say, some people just have a knack for this stuff I guess

**Remus**: _Suddenly notices the REAL bartenders walking through the door_ O CRUD, duck for cover!

**Sirius**: What are you talking about, no ones shooting at us...

**Remus**: _Drags Sirius under a nearby table_

**Sirius**: Well Remus, I'm sorry, but I don't think of you like that...

**Remus**: SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: Ooo, frisky I see...

**_Meanwhile_**

**Snape**: I see my guest has arrived..._looks towards doorway_

**Dumbledore**: _Walks in wearing a pitiful disguise of a brunette toupee and a fake moustache. He walks over to Snape's table and sits down_

**Snape**: _Blinks and points to the toupee_ I do say old chap, I expected better from you.

**Dumbledore**: Yes, well the Rent-A-Disguise shop got set on fire before I could get there, and this is all I could grab before I was forced to stop, drop, and roll...

**Snape**: I see...well anyways, down to business.

**Dumbledore**: Yes'm...

**Snape**: Good gracious old chap, who says "Yes'm" anymore?

**Dumbledore**: _Looks annoyed_ Well, "old chap", who are you to tell me what to say? HUH, HUH?

**Snape**: Sheesh, I was just trying to sound intelligent, no need to get all uppity with me _does a poor imitation of a hair flip, but gets his hand stuck in all the grease_ What I'm trying to ask though, is if you can still get me connections with that **_Betty Crocker_** you speak of...

**Dumbledore**: HUSH! Otherwise everyone in this...um..._place_ will know of the plan! But yes, I can. I know HER personally. We old hacks got to stick together, you know...

**Snape**: Ok, and will she have _shifty eyes_ ...the FINAL PIECE?

**Dumbledore**: _Leans back in his chair_ Yes, I guarantee it.

_Both Dumbledore and Snape skip out of the Chestnut with linked arms singing the Smurfs theme song_

**Sirius**: _Comes out from under table to talk to James_ Did you get all of that?

**James**: _Pulls out his diary that he wrote down Snape and Dumbledore's conversation in_ Of course...

**Peter**: Can I take off the corset now?

**James**: _Sarcastically_ No Peter, you must wear it until the world explodes OR bows down to my evil peach tree army of doom.

**Peter**: NOOOOO!

**James**: Don't worry, it won't be as long as you think _smug grin_

**Peter**. Ok. And just so you know, I think I know someone who can help us with our Snape problem.

**Sirius**: And who might that be, laddie?

**Peter**: Well, you see...Betty Crocker is my auntie. And don't call me "laddie" anymore...

**Sirius and James**: _Stare open mouthed_

**_Meanwhile..._**

**Remus**: I'm surprised me and Sirius's hiding spot wasn't found by those freaky bartenders. MAN, I ROCK AT HIDE AND GO SEEK! 

**Bartender 1**: Did you hear something?

**Bartender 2**: Yeah, it came from under here I think _points to random table_

**Bartender 1**: _Goes over to investigate table, only to find Remus hiding underneath it_ AH!

**Remus**: AH!

**Bartender 2**: _Turns around and sees Peter's hideous makeup job_ AH!

**Peter**: AH!

**Bartender 2**: AH!

**James**: AH!

**Bartender 1**: AH!

**Sirius**: _Sees Bartender 1's terribly dirty fingernails_ AH!

**Remus**: AAAHHH! MARAUDERS, RETREAT!

**The four Marauders run outside and keep running until they get to the candy shop, buy some candy, and then run outside screaming again...while eating their candy...**

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Well, I rather liked this one! Please read and review! Flames will be used for the usual midnight burning rituals...oh...I mean...you never heard that..._ahem_

REVIEWERS!!!:

JoJoBlond: thanks for the review tip, AND the gr8 ideas 4 chappie 2!!! yes, i am genius !! heehee, jk.

piffluvsu: to many threats, maaaaaaaan. i think u need to join my hippie friends for a night out...seriously, they make everything in life make sense!!! wow, no more of this STUFF for ashley...

Lady Adrienel: but of course the peach trees! thanx!

Cherry Chalk: YES I WANNA JOIN THE CLUB!!! PETER HATERS UNITE...o...and carebear haters 2...i think...

Chikin Wang: my life is slightly desturbing...OK, I CONFESS, I AM AN ALIEN!!! phew, that's a load off my shoulders...

Lady Taliesin: thats hard 2 spell. hm. funny is my job! thanx!

kk, all done now!


	3. Letters From Auntie Betty

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill. Oh, and I also don't own Dil Pickles from all Grown Up, or Betty Crocker, or any ideas that JoJoBlond (Joanna) gave me, or the really random story that will be presented sometime in this chapter. That's Steve's insane work…BUT WITH SOME OF MY IDEAS! SO HA!

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** Ash**: I ACTUALLY HAVE A PLOT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD FOR THIS CHAPTER!

**James**: So do I! It's called, The Day Ashley DIDN'T Manipulate Us in Her Plotless Stories!

**Remus**: Yes'm, maybe that would've worked if, oh say, she hadn't already said that she had a PLOT this time!

**Sirius**: Now Remus, you know how James's giant egotistical mind gets when you tell him he's wrong. Remember last time?

**James**: I'm right here listening to you, you know…

**Remus**: _Replays James hobbling through the town of Hogsmeade using a candy cane as a sword and claiming to be an action figure with "intense sword slashing action!"_ Oh, the horror…

**Peter**: Wait, that didn't happen THAT night.

**James**: I'm still right here…

**Sirius**: You're right. Those were _other_ nights.

**James**: FLIPPIN' CARROT STICKS, CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, IT WAS THE ANNUAL CHICKEN LEG FESTIVAL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

**Peter**: I think now would be a good time to start the story…

**Ash**: Yeah…before things get even more loco…

_**LAST TIME:**_

**Bartender 1**: Did you hear something?

**Bartender 2**: Yeah, it came from under here I think _points to random table_

**Bartender 1**: _Goes over to investigate table, only to find Remus hiding underneath it_ AH!

**Remus**: AH!

**Bartender 2**: _Turns around and sees Peter's hideous makeup job_ AH!

**Peter**: AH!

**Bartender 2**: AH!

**James**: AH!

**Bartender 1**: AH!

**Sirius**: _Sees Bartender 1's terribly dirty fingernails_ AH!

**Remus**: AAAHHH! MARAUDERS, RETREAT!

**The four Marauders run outside and keep running until they get to the candy shop, buy some candy, and the run outside screaming again...while eating their candy...**

**_THIS TIME:_**

**Peter**: Auntie Betty isn't evil, she bakes for a living you idiots!

**Remus**: O yeah, and that would explain her little advertisement in the paper that says "Betty Crocker, Life's One and Only Evil Baking Trainer" with a little postal address underneath it…

**Peter**: Well, DUH, that was during the time when she was being possessed by those brain sucking aliens…

**James**: SUUUUUURE…

**Remus**: Aliens? _Dazed look_

**Sirius**: But anyways, if Snape finds a way to complete connections with her, the world could be DOOMED!

**Remus**: Aliens…

**James**: Doomed indeed! Now quick, we have to get down to breakfast before the owls arrive!

**Remus**: Hmm...aliens…

**Sirius**: _Waves a hand in front of Remus_ Uh…Remus, are you alright?

**Remus**: _Snaps back to reality_ O, yeah, of course, but I'm going to stop by the library before I head down, for…research…

**Peter**: Ok, have…fun?

**Everyone but Remus heads down to the Great Hall for breakfast**

**_FADE OUT_**

_**FADE BACK INTO THE GREAT HALL**_

**Snape**: It should be here today. The final piece to my plan. Then the world shall bow to the almighty power of YUMMY GOODNESS!

**Random Slytherin**: There he goes, talking to himself again…

**Snape**: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Other Random Slytherin**: And cue evil cackle. This is the part where we walk away in total remorse…_walks away_

**Snape**: Thought of the moment…why do I not have any friends? _Jeopardy theme song plays in the background_ Ok, that's enough thinking for one day, THE OWLS ARE HERE!

****

**Meanwhile**

**James**: Look, there's THE owl!

**Sirius**: Ok, here's the plan. We wait until Snape randomly sets down the letter and then…WE TAKE IT!

**James and Peter**: _Blink_

**Peter**: I think we need Remus here to make the plans…

**Sirius**: Well, I thought it was a spiffy plan…_shifty eyes_

**Remus**: _Suddenly runs in and sits down with a crud load of books_

**James**: Speak of the genius…

**Remus**: Aliens…U.F.O.'s…spaceships…outer limits…

**Peter**: What the heck are you talking to yourself about this time?

**Sirius**: NO TIME, Snape just set the letter down!

**The marauders run over behind Snape while he's having another schizophrenic chat with himself similar to Remus's, and steal the letter of death and destruction**

**James**: Wow, Sirius's plan actually worked…who would've thunk it?

**Remus**: WAIT! Don't open that letter yet!

**Everyone**: _raises eyebrow_ why…

**Remus**: BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE THE ALIENS TRYING TO TRICK US, OR A SIGN THAT THEY'RE COMING TO ATTACK…AGAIN!

**Peter**: That is THE LAST time I bring up Auntie Betty's past evilness connections…

**James**: Ok Remus, I think it's about time I gave you "the talk"…

**Everyone**: NO, NOT "THE TALK"! ANYTHING BUT "THE TALK"!

**James**: Yes. "The talk".

**Remus**: _Cowers in a corner_ No…it's to soon... I'm too young for this…

**James**: I'm sorry, but you must know.

**Everyone but James and Remus**: _Covers their precious ears_

**James**: _Takes a deep breath_ Remus…there's no such thing as aliens. They are made up to make you believe that there is actually someone out there preparing to kill us all and put us in cages for spectators. Once again, THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS ALIENS.

**Remus**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _Runs out of the room bawling_

**James**: Well, I think he handled that pretty well. OK EVERYONE, you may now all return to your daily lives…

**Sirius**: And now to see what Snape's up to..._opens letter_

_ "Once upon a time in a village far far away, (okay it isn't that far, it's down the street and over the rail road tracks and you're at Bakers.) A boy was on the computer looking up his homework. The homework was to make a difference in your community. He wanted to find something no one had ever done before. While on AOL he found out that the only thing that someone hadn't done was make an entire city flamable. So the boy took some sticks and those leaves that fall off a tree and get all crisp and crusty and made buildings. He finally made a few houses and a yoga school and invited people in. Only five kids came and they just came for the yoga (that's just messed) Meanwhile a secret underground government base launched a new missile that was made to start sticks and those crusty leaves on fire. (get that) When the missile hit, the yoga school didn't stand a chance. As the fire fangoriously destroyed the flammable town, a huge gasoline tank was torn open by a small pine-porky thing. Gas went all over the first town I talked about. (Not by Bakers) Meanwhile the government base again launched a missile. Five seconds later that town went up in flames. The fire went and started everything on fire and then the fire started on fire, the fire was everywhere, there, and there, well not over there, but everywhere. The flammable place stopped burning. But back to the fire........well I'm done with the fire but it was cool. Yea I forgot what the story was about. There was only one death and it was one of those kids in the yoga school. (still messed)"_

**Everyone**: _Blink_

**Peter**: Well…maybe it's some kind of special mafia lingo…

**Sirius**: OH, LET ME TRY! The pumpkin…is in the garden…

**James**: Sirius?

**Sirius**: Yes'm?

**James**: You're done.

**Sirius**: Yes Mother…

**James**: Sirius?

**Sirius**: Yes'm?

**James**: Don't ever call me Mother again.

**Sirius**: Ok bubble bottoms.

**James**: Sirius?

**Sirius**: Ye---

**Peter**: WOULD YOU TO JUST SHUT UP?

**James**: Sorry…

**Sirius**: WAIT, ANOTHER OWL!

**Peter**: SHOOT IT DOWN!

**James**: _Throws a pineapple at it, and it falls onto his dish_

**Sirius**: That works…

**Peter:** YAY! Another letter from Auntie Betty! She must REALLY love me!

**James**: Oh, yeah, of course, except for the fact that neither one was addressed to you…

**Peter**: Shut up, you're making my childhood crueler than it already is.

**James**: You have no childhood Peter.

**Peter**: I KNOW! _Runs out crying_

**Sirius**: Dang it James, that's two friends you've emotionally scarred today. Next thing you know, they'll be a mutiny…

**James**: _Shrugs_ bring it on!

**Sirius**: Hesitates um, anyways, about the letter…

**James**: Opens letter

_ "Mr. Potion Addict,_

_ I'm sorry about that last letter, it was suppose to go to my friend back in America in response to her Random Writings challenge. I'll be sure to retrieve your letter A.S.A.P. and find a cover up for the plan. The FINAL PIECE will be with you by tomorrow, Mafia's honor. This letter will self destruct in 5-4-3-2-1…haha, just kidding._

_ -Ms. Destructive Chefette"_

**Sirius**: Does today just seem like it's getting weirder and weirder to you to James?

**James**: Yep.

**Sirius**: Ok. Just checking up on my sanity.

_Awkward silence_

**James**: …We should go pester Lily

**Sirius**: Ok.

_They both walk away_

**Meanwhile**

**Peter**: _Runs into the common room crying_

**Remus**: DID JAMES RUIN YOUR LIFE TO?

**Peter**: _Sobs_ Yes…

**Remus**: _Sly grin_ Hmm…what do you say to a little payback Peter?

**Peter**: What do you have in mind?

**Remus**: You'll see Peter…oh, you'll see…

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WOW. This chapter was long AND stupid. I don't like it really. Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you try to make a plot that you THOUGHT was there, but really isn't. Puh. But hey, we got some mutiny in here…maybe we can elaborate…_mischievous smile_

**_REVIEWERS:_**

**JoJoBlond**- Well, we all kno peter NEEDS the corset! And I take it u like the parts w/ Sirius in them…teehee, but don't we all?

**Lady Adrienel**- the church water fight INDEED! Neways, thanks, and yes, ron does say it best doesn't he? The spiders…they wanted me to tap dance…I DON'T WANNA TAP DANCE HARRY!

Harry: then u tell those spiders Ron…

Ron: ok…I will…

**Chikin Wang**- always glad to make sum1's bad day humorous! Thanks 4 reviewing!

**Cherry Chalk**- yeah, u'll have 2 finish that club soon so u can send me the URL. OF COURSE I wanna join! O, and there is only one thing that can save us from betty crocker…the POWER RANGERS! But that's a different story…

**MoonyPadfootProngs4eva**- but wut would life be WITHOUT the "ah"s …that is the REAL question…ok, that's enuff sugar 4 me rite now…

**Lady Taliesin**- Glad u enjoyed it!


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